It’s not about how many times you lose focus

I was just doing a guided meditation.

And he kept reminding us to return to the present.

But instead of feeling badly about losing our focus, he told us to give ourselves credit every time we noticed and returned back to focus.

I love that!

I happened to lose focus more that session, but instead of feeling disappointed, I felt like I was making progress.

In life, it’s not a problem how many times you get off track. (If you never get off track, it probably means you’re not moving, or you never even got in the track)

It’s how many times you get back on track. 

If you’re off track, let’s just do whatever step to get closer to being on track.

Just choose one thing.

Just one things can add up to be a pretty great life after awhile.

Just one thing = your way to the life you want and can have.

Breaking the Rules

We have rules, regulations, expectations, and all sorts of things that try to govern the way we act and even how we think.

I think it is natural for us to rebel against that. A part of us wants to have freedom and be empowered. And sometimes there are situations where it seems these don't even make sense. And then we feel upset, sometimes used, and weakened. We often just want to fight back against all the injustice. I have felt like this many times.

So, why do we have all these rules if they just frustrate us so much?

I have discovered that there is usually a reason for all the rules. Sometimes it is because we are being manipulated. But more often, I have discovered that there were some good reasons for the rules that I didn't completely understand. Even if there were exceptions, the rules helped keep me safe and/or helped me to understand situations before I had to have difficult experiences.

At the same time, in scripture, we are often taught that eventually, we will "have no more disposition to do evil". In my thinking, I would no longer want to break commandments. I felt like at some point I would attain that perfect goodness where I would just be above temptation and no longer have that "evil" or "natural man" part of myself that wanted to do bad things.

When we were young children, most of us had a rule not to touch a hot stove. When we were young, we didn't yet understand how we would get burned if we touched the stove, but our parents kept us away and told us we couldn't touch it because we would get burned. And we may not have really understood what getting burned meant. That's why there was a rule. That's why we had parents and other responsible people looking out for us.

What if works that way for other things too? At some point, we have a much better understanding of the damage a hot stove can do if we touch it. And we no longer want to touch the stove. What if, as we follow rules and expectations, we learn more things? And as we learn, experience, and understand things better, then we have no desire to do those things that may harm us. With better knowledge and understanding, the rules aren't as necessary. We no longer want to do things that harm us. It is not because we are achieving this "godly state" unless, by a "godly state", that means we are learning and growing. And perhaps it is.

And as we have learned the reasons for the rules and better understand the risks of not following them, it is then that we can make better decisions about exceptions to rules. But often we must practice obeying rules in order to understand when they might be broken.

In his book, "Falling Upward", Richard Rohr talks about two halves of life. He says the first half is when we are practicing obedience to rules and learning how that works. It gives us the foundation and container for when we are able to see things with more nuance and start to break rules at times and see the gray areas. But, we cannot make informed decisions about the second half of life without the foundation of the first half of life and gaining an understanding of the rules. If you don't have a good idea of why the rule was made, you may want to reconsider breaking it.

Understanding this has taken away much of the frustration with the rules and expectations I have encountered in my life. When I can confidently make my decisions about the rules with knowledge, I don't have to need others to agree. I can weigh the consequences and feel good about what I have decided.

Possibilities

If you’re always thinking about how everything is available to you, you’re probably actually doing a lot of nothing.

That’s because you can’t really move towards everything. 

You can’t take action in everything.

It’s a step.

First, you see the endless possibilities.

But you can’t just stay in possibility. 

You have to choose a direction from those possibilities and keep moving. 

Choosing a direction doesn’t mean you are stuck there either.

Choosing a direction and getting moving sometimes leads us to another possibility we haven’t been aware of yet. 

But too often we get stuck in possibility. 

It sometimes just seems amazing.

Sometimes it’s just easier than moving.

Other times it’s hard to let go of possibility to choose something

Just know, it’s often a tendency.

It’s a “shiny” and glamorous distraction to “live in possibility”. 

It’s also a part of it. 

But it’s never the end.

I love the saying, “God can’t steer a parked car.”

Possibilities give us so widen our horizons so much, but let’s not get stuck in them.

Our Joseph Opportunities

Our Joseph Opportunities

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

7:13 PM

When studying the Old Testament as I was teaching seminary, I saw how many times Joseph had overwhelmingly difficult situations.  Situations that would easily be seen as taking him down for good.  Situations that many of us wouldn't see a way out of.   The interesting thing is that after each of these situations, Joseph not only survived, he thrived.  He came out better than he came in.  And these difficult and unfair situations gave him opportunities to grow and succeed that he would not have had if he had stayed in the same situations he was in. 

Young Joseph was envied and then sold into slavery by his brothers.  And then they told their father that Joseph had been killed by an animal, so Jacob didn't even know to look for him.  They sold him for only 20 pieces of silver.  Not even the price of a full slave, because he was young. 

However, Joseph ended up being placed or sold to the captain of the guard in Egypt, Potiphar.  Joseph worked hard and "the Lord was with Joseph" and Potiphar saw that the Lord blessed everything he touched, so that Potiphar ended up entrusting almost everything to Joseph's care and control.  This seemed to impress Potiphar's wife, so she tried to seduce him.  Multiple times.  When he refused her time and time again, she ended up accusing him of the very thing she was doing and Joseph was sent to prison.  For years.  Being sent to prison could be enough to discourage almost anyone.  But Joseph didn't give up.  He worked hard and ended up impressing the man in charge of the prison who, just like Potiphar, put Joseph in charge of everything in the prison.  And during these years in prison, he interpreted dreams through the power of the Lord for some other prisoners.  One of them got out of prison, but still didn't remember Joseph.  But somehow, when Pharoah had a dream that he didn't understand, the word got to Pharoah that Joseph could interpret dreams.  Joseph still hadn't given up. He had faith in God's giving him opportunities.  Even in the hopelessness of prison.  When Joseph interpreted Pharoah's dreams, Pharoah was impressed and put Joseph as second in charge in Egypt.

 After each big disappointment, Joseph had an even bigger opportunity --opportunities that would have been difficult to predict.  Joseph continued to have faith against all odds. 

How many times might we be missing our Joseph opportunities because we are discouraged and we don't see how things could work out?  What if we believed that everything was working together for our eternal good? How might we see things?  Would more opportunities be available just because we were more open to them?  Because we are looking for them? President Nelson recently said to "expect miracles." I believe most of us have more opportunities available to us than we think.  But many times we don’t take advantage of them because we can't even see them. 

This sometimes happens because of the wealth of information and choices available to us.  For us to process all of the information and choices available each day would cause overwhelm and overload.  Often, it is just not the best use of our mental energy.  So, our brain constrains or limits our choices.  Most of the time, this is efficient and good for us.  It allows us to spend time on the things that matter more. But sometimes this isn't the best.  And we don't even realize it because our brains think that they are helping us and keeping us safe and efficient. 

But, when we feel discouraged or restless, sometimes that is just an indication that we need to look closer at what we think our choices are.  We feel like we are victims and have nothing available to us that we want.  But when we are feeling like this, if we look closer, we often find that there are choices available to us that we hadn't before considered.  Even if they seem limited.  Joseph's choices weren't to get out of slavery or out of prison right away.  But he didn't just sit there and waste away or do the bare minimum.  He did his best and thrived wherever he was.  Even in what could seem like hopeless situations, he worked and did his part and allowed the Lord to be with him and to bless and inspire him.  How often when things look rough, do we just feel resigned and try to just endure?  Parts of us just shut down.  We aren't even taking advantage of our full opportunities and choice.  In large part, because we just don't even see the choices or opportunities.  When we mentally and emotionally give up, we aren't growing.  And we feel justified in that because in some situations, there just doesn't seem to be room to grow.  Perhaps we just start where we are. We start small.  Somewhere where we do have control.  I have heard the suggestion that we just start by making our bed. Something we have control over that we can do everyday. And when we have mastered that, we start cleaning and organizing and decorating our room or our living space.  There are small ways in which we have control and agency where we can make a difference.  Even if it's just a bit to ourselves.  And as we see our control and success in these little areas, we begin to see where we have more control and success as we branch out.  But to do it right, we have to start in the center, at ourselves.  If not, we are trying to control others and situations where we don't have control and then we feel in control of nothing, which causes frustration and discouragement.  So, when feeling frustration and discouragement, it's wise to look at where you really have control and what you are actually trying to control.  When those things are different, you are setting yourself up for failure and disappointment and that 's when it's wise to look at yourself and get serious with where you do have control.  Even if it is very small. In concentration camps, those who did the best were often those prisoners who focused on the things they did have control.  Sometimes if it was only what was going on in their own heads and hearts. 

A “virtuous” woman

I heard in church on Sunday, someone talked about In KJV, Proverbs 31:10, it reads, "Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies." 

The speaker talked about how this was an example of how valued women were. 

My mind went to the idea that I was often taught that a "virtuous woman" was one who dressed modestly and who didn't have sex before marriage.  I thought about how, in some cultures, a woman that wasn't "virtuous" or "sexually pure" was thought of as worthless and dirty and was hidden away in shame or in some cases, was even maimed or killed. 

I thought of how saying there was a "price" for a woman made it feel like a woman is a possession.

But a woman was speaking in a meeting of how this was such a compliment for women. 

Then, I thought, "what is virtue or being virtuous?" In virtue ethics, it talks about doing the right thing for the right reason.  In the Collins English Dictionary, it says virtue is "thinking and doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong."

So, our sexual behavior is only one component of virtue.  It is more right to say that virtue is being aligned with the things that we know or believe are right and true.  

So, what if I then understood this scripture to mean that a virtuous woman was one who bravely acted in accordance with her beliefs of truth and right?  What if I then understood her not to be a possession with a price tag, but a being above being able to have a price? 

I believe that God loves women.  God sees the value of women.  It is no less that that of a man.  It can be different, but no less.  But the world has interpreted and misstated God's words for so long and in so many ways that we often feel that God thinks less of women.  Or we feel that God's servants and church on the earth think less of women.  God has never thought less of women.  However, His servants who run His church on the earth, have often fallen short of correctly expressing God's love and ideas on this.  Some have done this with the evil intent of putting down and controlling women.  Some have done this more with misunderstanding.  But both have done great harm to women over the years.

While we want to correct the oppression and misunderstanding, the good news is that we don't have to wait for the church and its leaders to change in order for us to change and improve our relationship with God.  We can understand our place with God and have a relationship with Him no matter what church or leaders say and do.  Our relationship with God is not monitored by anyone else.  We get to have access to our God whenever and wherever we choose Him and need Him.  We can choose to interpret God's scripture and words in a way that assumes God's love and respect for women and for all.  When I believe that God loves me without condition and I decide to look at everything He says and does with that lens, it changes things.  It changes me.  It changes my relationship to God and Christ.

I can still work on changing the narrative in the world around me.  And I see value in that.  But I don't have to wait for that to change me.

We can work on changing you. In only the ways that feel good to you.

BOTH can be TRUE

We assume so many things have to be this OR that. Black OR white. We think feeling, thinking or doing one thing eliminates us from feeling, thinking, or doing something else. There are lots of things we think cannot exist together.

I was reminded of this powerfully the other day when a saw a new mama post this, "I think it's OK not to like being a parent but still fiercely love your kids."

I would have never thought these things could go together. Isn’t it amazing that you don’t have to love parenting even most of the time to be able to love your kids. And love them fiercely.

It is just so freeing to just read that and realize BOTH CAN BE TRUE. We don't have to feel guilty. We don't have to feel like we're not enough. We are more complex than we had imagined.

I wonder what else can both be true.

Goals: progress, not perfection

Recently I’ve made some short term goals that I haven’t reached.

Sometimes I feel like that’s OK.  I am learning how to do better.  I am learning how to fail better.

But sometimes it just doesn’t feel good.  I start to wonder if I will ever be able to achieve what I want.

I started thinking how in the scriptures, Christ says “be ye therefore perfect.”  I know I will never be perfect in this mortal life.  But He still tells me that and wants me to keep trying. Even when it doesn’t feel good.

One of my exercise instructors likes to say, “progress, not perfection”. 

And perhaps the progress we make while we are reaching for perfection may be even more important than the perfection itself. 

How do you honor your progress when you fall short of perfection or your goal?

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Get headaches?

I woke up yesterday with a headache.

This happens from time to time, and I usually end up taking medication before it gets worse and it becomes difficult to function.

Since it was early, I laid in bed and just felt and allowed my headache.  

I didn’t fight it.  I didn’t wish it wasn’t there. 

I told myself I was paying attention to my pain right now, but I could take medicine at any point when I finished listening.

During this, I discovered some negative thoughts I had been thinking about myself and my life.  And as I discovered this and was just accepting of myself, I felt muscles that I didn’t even realize were tense, begin to relax.  The pain in my head started to dissipate.

I still had background pain and pressure in my head throughout the day, but it was minimal and I never felt it enough to take the medication.

This is how we start to work WITH our body.

This is how pain can work FOR us.  It is often a messenger.  

And it just screams louder when we don’t listen.

The life of your dreams

It should feel exciting to think of the life of my dreams…

But when I don’t even know what my dreams are…

It just feels confusing.

Maybe a little scary. 

And like something might be wrong with me.

When you’ve been living your life for others’ dreams for so long, dreaming feels unfamiliar and almost wrong.

It’s not.

It’s not too late.

You do have dreams.

And you get to try some out.

Figuring it out feels a little uncomfortable at first, but then so amazing and expansive. 

Working on your mindset and wisdom in your body allows this part of you that has been put aside, to come out.  

Having dreams is part of how God helps us to do our best work in this world. They are good. We don’t have to assume they are selfish,.

Welcome dreams!

Sneaky thoughts

Do you find yourself often feeling irritated? Indecisive? Or scared to do things?

Guess what. You're probably talking mean to yourself. And you don't even realize it. And you don't know how to stop it either.

Negative thoughts and self talk keep us stuck. They take up a lot of emotional space. They keep us from doing the things we really want to do, and they interfere with our relationships with those we care about.

And they're sneaky. Because it happens inside of us, we often don't even realize it. We don't even consciously hear our negative voice anymore. But that doesn't mean if doesn't affect you.

If this sounds like it might be you, I can help.

I work on things from the mindset, emotion, and body perspective. When we work with all of these parts of us, the results happen more quickly and are longer lasting.

You don’t have to be stuck in the sneaky negative thoughts.

Your best self

It's easy to get caught up in all the things we are supposed to do. The things we need to do to be a good parent. The things we need to do to make things special for our loved ones. The events we should attend the gifts we should give, the atmosphere in the home we should provide, and all the magic memories we are in charge of making.

It can be exciting and fun, but sometimes it can also be overwhelming.

Sometimes things don't turn out as we'd planned.

Sometimes all the stuff just doesn't get done.

Then it doesn't feel enough.

We can't look and see the things that we've done that prove we are doing it right.

Your best self is NOT all the things you are DOING. There is no checklist to get to your best self. You don’t check off a certain number of things and then you’ve made it- here’s your BEST SELF! That’s not how it works.

It's who you are BEING and who you are BECOMING.

That's it. There is no working your way there. You don't have to prove anything.

You just keep showing up as the person you are trying to be. And when you fall short, you just get to get back up, shift a little and keep going. And if you stay down for a bit, that is ok too.

Your best self is just YOU. And that is the best gift for everyone.

Being hurt is not “less than”, it’s just “part of”.

I read a quote on Instagram recently that Seerut K. Chawla posted. She said, “Be careful your healing isn’t just perfectionism in disguise.” We want so much to feel better, to do better, to be better. And that’s all good work. But implied in that is often the message that we aren’t good with who we are right now. So many of us feel that thinking we aren’t good enough is good motivation to change and to get better. IF that worked, I’d teach that all over the place. But the reality is, that it doesn’t work, or if it does, it only works temporarily.

What happens when I get irritated with my kids, and then I think and start saying to myself, “Amy, you’re so dumb! You know you shouldn’t yell at your kids. Why are you doing this again?!” After I’ve been saying these things for awhile, I often don’t feel like going in and loving on my kids. I actually feel pretty crappy and just want to go up in my room and watch something or read something by myself. And when I’m on edge, when they come in and want something, I’m almost more likely to snap at them again. So, the negative self-talk starts again.

The truth is, we are all human. We all get triggered.

We’re not better when we figure that out and heal- the truth is, we just know a few more things.

What if we aren’t “getting better”? What if we are just growing, or maybe even better- evolving? Being hurt isn’t wrong. Being hurt isn’t less than. It’s just part of. Just part of being human. Just part of growing.

We don’t have to hate who we are to evolve and grow. We wouldn’t get to grow unless we felt and noticed the hurt. We can love the person we are now who is offering these ways for us to grow.

To listen to the podcast: Listen on Apple Podcasts

To watch and listen on YouTube: Being hurt is not "less than".

Taking things off your schedule.

Taking things off your schedule is a temporary fix.

Things are always going to feel like too much when you aren’t spending your time on what you believe in.  On what you know is most important.

Like trying to fit rocks, gravel, and sand into a jar.

If you put the sand and gravel in, it is impossible to get the rocks in.

But if you put the rocks (your priorities) in first, there is room for the gravel and sand to fit in around it (all the other stuff).

I sometimes wear myself out emotionally by taking on others’ priorities (gravel and sand)instead on my own. And when I don’t put my priorities first- the things that align with the person I am choosing to be- I often lose a lot of emotional energy, and I can’t fit in my rocks.

A lot of times, I don’t even realize this is happening. 

It’s often not the amount of things going on. It’s what the things are and how we feel about them. 

When we can figure out what is really most important to us and then put those things first, that is where our greatest power lies.

It was never enough money…

For so long I thought that having a stable job and “enough” money was what would make me feel OK. Safe. Good enough.

I went to college so I had the skills to have a good job when I needed it.

I saved money so I wouldn’t have to worry about the future.

I did without things I wanted. Like going out to eat occasionally, new clothes for me or the kids, and vacations were only to visit family.

I stayed in jobs I didn’t like that much so I could have money.

What if it’s not money or the job that makes us feel safe and stable?

I noticed that even though my husband and I continued to make more money, I still had the same fears we wouldn’t have enough.

The job and the money changed, but the feeling of not having enough never changed.

Sometimes we try to change jobs.

Sometimes we stay in the same job.

We try to make more money to feel safe.

But, we keep changing those things and we still feel unsteady.

I realized that it wasn’t the money that made me feel safe. It was my ability to trust myself…and no amount of money can give me that.

Learning to trust me and my ability to rebound from whatever life may throw at me has made me feel more secure than any amount of money ever did.

Procrastinating

We all put things off sometimes. 

That's procrastinating. 

A lot of times we do this because we don't want to feel the discomfort or pain of what it is that we have decided that we should do. This discomfort and pain comes because something is boring, scary, or sometimes it just doesn't fit in with what we have decided are the most important things in our life. 

If it doesn't fit with our priorities, maybe it's time to get honest and tell someone else kindly that we can't make their priorities ours right now. We have other things that need our attention right now.

But, if it's something that aligns with our priorities and who we are trying to be, and it's just hard, it's scary, or just boring, here's a few strategies of how to get those things done. 

First, give yourself an out. You don't have to do it all. You just have to start. Just dial the phone. Just get out your running clothes the night before. Just do one thing to head you in the right direction. It sounds simple. But you'll be surprised at how much momentum that gives you.

Second, is similar. Don't overwhelm yourself with the entire goal. Start cleaning the room with one drawer. Give yourself an easy win. Something you know you can do. And then the rest is optional. You get to celebrate the win, and often you are ready for more. 

These tips can seem so simple, but when we get started, our lives will uplevel and building on success is so much more effective than beating yourself up about failure. Set yourself up to succeed!